CleanJokes

(j)West Virginia Math

2026-05-16T06:38:36Z

Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"

(j)Punishing Telescammers, #401

2026-05-14T06:43:01Z

Partway into the "conversation" ask him who it is he was calling. If he says your name, apologize and say that you are [make up a name similar to yours]. Let him stammer out something, then hang up.

(j)One-liner #329

2026-05-12T06:35:28Z

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

IRS T-shirts, #269

2026-05-11T06:35:40Z

At the IRS

We Believe

You are Guilty

After Proven Innocent

(j)Expensive picture

2026-05-10T06:48:18Z

Rodney sat in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously.

"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

His lawyer replies, "That picture she found is of you and your mistress."

(j)The e-mail from God

2026-05-08T07:01:20Z

One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving that was going on.

So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.

When he returned, the angel told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion."

So, God called another angel, and sent him to Earth too.

When the angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because, he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep going!

Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just checking. I didn't get one either....

(j)Punishing Telescammers, #400

2026-05-07T06:36:17Z

Ask him for his telemarketer license number. When he says he doesn't have one, ask why he's telemarketing without a license and tell him it's a felony. Then hang up. He'll probably be stupid enough to ask his boss about it.

(j)One-liner #328

2026-05-05T06:38:29Z

When chemists die, they barium.

IRS T-shirts, #268

2026-05-04T06:35:59Z

IRS:

Permanent Debilitation

Of The

Perfectly Innocent

(j)Sven and Ole, Minnesota Engineers

2026-05-02T06:45:07Z

Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don’t haff a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"

(j)Gas

2026-05-01T06:38:31Z

A friend underwent GI surgery, which left her with a bad gas problem that the surgeon said would resolve once her biota re-established itself. But in the meantime, she was suffering from massive releases of loud farts. I suggested a way for her to reduce the embarrassment. "Just pretend to answer your phone," I said. "But before you bring it to your ear, say that's the ringtone you use for when your husband calls."