I'll never forget my grandpa's last words before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?" ...Continue Reading

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'?  How's it going?" Having already downed a few stiff drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ...  it just doesn't matter to me.  I ...Continue Reading

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came ...Continue Reading

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. ...Continue Reading

After being fake-elected, Joe Biden took one look at his pot-bellied, cackling VP and, uh, forgot what he was going to say. ...Continue Reading

Ask him to turn the volume down. "It's so loud, it hurts my ears." After he does that, say, "What? I can't hear you." Keep playing this volume game back and forth until he hangs up in frustration. ...Continue Reading

(these are from newspaper clippings!)Long WiwiCheam CreemsQuindarious Gooch ...Continue Reading

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. ...Continue Reading

IRS:ExpertsInAgony ...Continue Reading

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. ...Continue Reading