Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1. ...Continue Reading

"What's a couple?," I asked my mother. "Two or three," she said. Which probably explains why the marriage broke up. ...Continue Reading

A teen-aged girl is going through a box of photoprints. She finds one of her mother with a baby and some man. She brings it to her mom and asks, "Who is in the photo with you?" The mother says, "That's you as a baby." "No, I mean who is that handsome man? Look at those muscles and that beautiful hair. Who is he?" The mother says, "That's your father." The kid frowns. "OK, so who is the fat bald guy we are living with now?" ...Continue Reading

Tell the telescammer, "The IRS is tapping my phone, because they are trying to find out where my money comes and goes. So, let's do some business. But first say your social security number so IRS will have that information in the recording." ...Continue Reading

Cliff Jumper Rex Carrs Dick Masher ...Continue Reading

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. ...Continue Reading

A couple has their first child, and the baby never cries. By age three, he still has not said a word. Not even Mama. Years go by, in which they take their son to one doctor after another. Nothing works. Then one morning, their nine year old son looks up from his breakfast and says, "My oatmeal's cold." They are amazed and delighted. The father says, "Son, what took you so long to speak to us?" The kid looks at each of them, then says, "Until now, everything was fine." ...Continue Reading

Man: Give me 3 boxes of those condoms, please. Clerk: Would you like a bag with that? Man: Nah, she aint THAT ugly. ...Continue Reading

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man ...Continue Reading

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said: "No thank you, please." As I d ...Continue Reading