- In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?" ...Continue Reading

- Signs In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." ...Continue Reading

Every time he asks a question, ask, "Is that your dog barking?" and "Did you hear that?" ...Continue Reading

Anass Rahmmer (actually on a cab driver's license)Harry ButzSeymour Legg ...Continue Reading

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful. ...Continue Reading

Q: What kind of marijuana do IRS agents smoke? A: Dickweed. ...Continue Reading

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.  Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.  As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.  "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.  "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone w ...Continue Reading

I was helping a buddy of mine, who was an orthopedic surgeon, move to his new office, and using my car to help transport some of his office equipment.  I had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into the back seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat...  At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to a doctor's office."  The other driver leaned out of his w ...Continue Reading

I want to be a bear......  If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.  Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.  If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.  If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If you ...Continue Reading

Practice your Bangalore accent so you can answer the telemarker in the same incomprehensible way he speaks to you. Or use a fake Scandinavian accent to converse with the telemarketer (see the movie Fargo for examples). ...Continue Reading