I went to the Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I had a nice room in a hotel just off Bourbon Street. I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 AM the first night there. As I was cruising down Bourbon Street, I saw a skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above me. "Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to me. Looking up, I replied, "Well, at my age sex is a chore, but I could use the money." ...Continue Reading

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Y ...Continue Reading

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'" The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?" The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now." The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand." He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard. ...Continue Reading

Tell him you had 43 bowel movements yesterday and ask if he thinks that is some kind of record. Then no matter what he says, keep talking about bowel movements. ...Continue Reading

Jenny Talia Herb Pease Ana Lingus ...Continue Reading

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? ...Continue Reading

IRS: An Agency of Idiots ...Continue Reading

Every day, my indoor/outdoor cat was leaving dirt, leaves, and other debris on the floor of the kitchen and living room. I kept dutifully cleaning it up. Feeling exasperated one day, I asked him why he does this. It turns out he's an artist. He wanted to know why I kept destroying his art, after he put so much effort into collecting the right amount of the right kind of dirt and debris into his fur via the "rolling method" taught at his art school, and then painstakingly arranging it into a work of art to bea ...Continue Reading

Session one. When shredding the couch isn't enough. 61 other things you can destroy. Session two. Advanced techniques for loading your fur with more dirt to bring into the house Session three. Best ways to haul birds inside through your cat door (not applicable to deer) Session four. How to mess on the carpet and make it look like the dog did it Session five. How to use the "innocent look" to get by with almost anything Session six. Ten easy tricks for charming your way into being Master of the Hou ...Continue Reading

After Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot!  You're supposed to turn your clock back!" ...Continue Reading