The phrase "Christmas gift" is an oxymoron. A gift, by definition, is something you give to another person without being compensated. At Christmas, people "give" so-called "gifts" while expecting something of similar value in return. The whole process defies logic. People send you crap you don't want, and you go spend 2 hours in line at a store standing behind people who are cutting turkey farts, just so you can get a refund. And the other person is doing the same. Why not just send each ...Continue Reading

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If ...Continue Reading

(A carryover from when Nutcase Nancy was Speaker) I sold derivatives to entire nations, bankrupting them. I made $273 million on the Iceland one. Then I foreclosed on Santa's workshop, laid off the elves, had the reindeer slaughtered and made into sausage, and collected a commission of $29.6 million. I also hocked the presents they were storing up, so some additional pocket change there. After that, I changed my business organization to collect $35 billion in federal TARP money. I robbed a blind man of his pencils so ...Continue Reading

Or, "How to get into that nursing home much earlier by wrecking your body through insane holiday behavior" 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink ...Continue Reading

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal BBs in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone. Suzy came running downstairs. ''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and BBs came out!'' "Suzy," Grandma ...Continue Reading

Here's some scientific news regarding reindeer: According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer. However, each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter--usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've ...Continue Reading

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! "Too late for ...Continue Reading

What would have happened if it had been 3 wise women instead of three wise men? They would have: - asked for directions; - arrived on time; - help deliver the baby; - cleaned the stable; - brought practical gifts; and - made a casserole. BUT WHAT WOULD THEY HAVE SAID AFTER THEY LEFT? - Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown? - Did you see the DRUMMER BOY? He can beat my drum anytime. - And that donkey they're ridding has seen better days - I hear that Joseph isn't even working right n ...Continue Reading

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, and was unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs to where his wife was. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his fa ...Continue Reading

Re: Christmas Party From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director October 1, 2005 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can b ...Continue Reading