Halloween is actually better than sex. Here are the reasons: It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude. Maybe aches, but never guilt the morning after. I ...Continue Reading

Little Johnny's parents were called to come pick him up at school. They were also requested to meet with the Principal about pending expulsion. The Principal asked, "Did either of you see how Little Johnny was dressed for Halloween when he left for school this morning?" Dad: "Well yes, actually, I did. It was my turn to see the kids off to school, and both were dressed as pirates." Principal: "I'm afraid Johnny fooled you and changed his costume somewhere between home and school. And what he ...Continue Reading

A man answered the door on Halloween night. A little boy was standing there. The boy wasn't wearing a costume. Instead, he was dressed in slacks and a dress shirt and tie. The little boy said, "Trick or treat." Confused, the man asked, "What are you supposed to be?" With a straight face, the little boy answered saying, "I'm an IRS agent." The man held out the Halloween bowl and the boy took 25 percent of it, then left without even saying "Thank you." An hour later, the kid w ...Continue Reading

Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. ...Continue Reading

Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. ...Continue Reading

Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. ...Continue Reading

Each year, John throws a themed Halloween costume party, and had even rents a large ballroom for the occasion. The theme this year is evil, and you are supposed to come as the most evil person you could think of other than Hillary Clinton (else, everyone would come as Hillary Clinton). Looking around from the entryway, John saw 8 Nancy "Nutcase" Pelosis, 6 Adolph Hitlers, 4 Ted Kennedys, 4 Satans, 4 Chuck Schumers, 2 Darth Vaders, and some others that weren't duplicated. He also saw a couple who came as Joe B ...Continue Reading

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a ...Continue Reading

On Halloween, a rookie cop hauled a guy up in front of the desk sergeant. The man had a desk strapped to his back, a water cooler under his right arm, and a laptop computer under his left arm. He was wearing a fax machine for a hat. The desk sergeant growled, "What's the charge, Murphy'?" "Impersonating an office, sir." ...Continue Reading

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading senator, a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when ...Continue Reading