It might be fun to wait outside a Home Depot entrance and ask 50 incoming customers to name the vegetable that most closely resembles Joe Biden. ...Continue Reading

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.  The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.  When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).  I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said: "No thank you, please." &nb ...Continue Reading

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.&n ...Continue Reading

(A carryover from when Nutcase Nancy was Speaker) I sold derivatives to entire nations, bankrupting them. I made $273 million on the Iceland one. Then I foreclosed on Santa's workshop, laid off the elves, had the reindeer slaughtered and made into sausage, and collected a commission of $29.6 million. I also hocked the presents they were storing up, so some additional pocket change there. After that, I changed my business organization to collect $35 billion in federal TARP money. I robbed a blind man of his pencils ...Continue Reading

Or, "How to get into that nursing home much earlier by wrecking your body through insane holiday behavior"  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but ...Continue Reading

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal BBs in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone. Suzy came running downstairs. ''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and BBs came out!''  "Suzy," ...Continue Reading

Here's some scientific news regarding reindeer: According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer. However, each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter--usually late November to mid-December.  Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl ...Continue Reading

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the houseI searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired,in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat- let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! &quo ...Continue Reading

What would have happened if it had been 3 wise women instead of three wise men? They would have: - asked for directions; - arrived on time; - help deliver the baby; - cleaned the stable; - brought practical gifts; and- made a casserole.  BUT WHAT WOULD THEY HAVE SAID AFTER THEY LEFT?  - Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?  - Did you see the DRUMMER BOY? He can beat my drum anytime.  - And that donkey they're ridding has seen better days  - I hear that Joseph isn't even worki ...Continue Reading

Remember when Brainless Biden made all those nasty, untrue comments about people who refused to undergo the experimental gene therapy? That's because he believed the EGT was a vaccine (the liars at the CDC said it was), and he is fully committed to being fully vaccinated. Each year, he's been vaccinated against Stupidity Deficit Syndrome. That alone is proof that vaccines work! ...Continue Reading