No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: * Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly * We three kings of porridge and tar * On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me * Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.* With the jelly toast proclaim * Olive, the other reindeer.* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say * Sleep in heavenly peas * In the meadow we can build ...Continue Reading

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.  As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.  What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.  One year I decided to make his dream come true ...Continue Reading

The Bidens are so polite. At a recent family gathering, you could hear all the relatives saying, "Pardon me." ...Continue Reading

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3fgRV5N_qQ ...Continue Reading

How do IRS employees celebrate Christmas? By counting the number of people they've made homeless. ...Continue Reading

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it.  Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Su ...Continue Reading

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter said, "In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."  The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "It represents a candle."  Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."  The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them ...Continue Reading

Why did Santa put bells on all his reindeer? Because their horns don't work. What's red and white and black all over? Santa Clause entering through a chimney (he does that because it soots him--maybe he should get a flue shot). If Santa falls down a chimney, does that make him a Santa Klutz? ...Continue Reading

https://twitter.com/TheBabylonBee/status/1734979549186621706 ...Continue Reading

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?In the lane, snow is glistenin'.It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight,Marking up my winter wonderland.  Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.It's a sign for wandering vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!Marked up as my winter wonderland."  In the meadow dad will build a snowman,following the classical design.Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!  Straight from me to the fence post,flows ...Continue Reading