An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.  He looked quite concerned at one notation.  "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."  He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought. ...Continue Reading

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."  Nobody stood up.  "Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."  One elderly gentleman stood up.  "Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.  "Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first ...Continue Reading

Biden is so stupid, his name has become a synonym for stupid. "That was a Joe Biden thing to do." ...Continue Reading

Ask, "Does your boss know you're calling me?" Then reply to his reply with, "Why are you calling me?" Do it in a really creepy voice. It works great! ...Continue Reading

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.  For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.  He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invi ...Continue Reading

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.  He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.  As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however ...Continue Reading

The past, present, and future walk into a room and it gets really tense. ...Continue Reading

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise find a cure for the disease known as "IRS," thereby doing the job that an overpaid criminal CONgress should have done decades ago, in "Slime Trek." ...Continue Reading

 One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.  Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!  As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"  &quo ...Continue Reading

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressi ...Continue Reading