Interrupt and say, "Wait. I feel the mother of all farts coming on. It's going to be a big one." If he doesn't hang up, just wait silently until he does. Even if he keeps asking if you're done yet. ...Continue Reading

Harry BalzonniaB LoamieDick Siemen ...Continue Reading

If you have a constipated dog, cat, or gerbil, will Chewy.com let you sign up for autoshit? ...Continue Reading

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. Or worked at the IRS. ...Continue Reading

Another Father's Day and no Father's Day card. What a relief! I don't have any children that I know of, but every year about this time I get anxious that some woman or another will hit me with a paternity suit or some kid or another finds out who their father is and I'm on the hook for college tuition. ...Continue Reading

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.   One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"   The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.   Amy takes him ...Continue Reading

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.  After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"  His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"  For lunch the old man made hamburge ...Continue Reading

Say, "I don't think we're going to accomplish anything on the phone. Why don't you come to my house and clean it? I'll provide the vacuum cleaner and other supplies, plus free coffee. We can discuss this while you're doing something that's actually useful." ...Continue Reading

Robin Plunder  Dick CreamAnna Sole ...Continue Reading

I got 50 dollars from my mom.  She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party. That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin. ...Continue Reading