Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.  Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.  Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.  Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few ...Continue Reading

 An old couple was lying in bed one night...  The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.  A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.  Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to n ...Continue Reading

Q: How can you tell when Joe Biden is dazed and confused?A: Check for a pulse. ...Continue Reading

Every time he asks a question, answer with, "Something very interesing happened today. Let me tell you about it." Then don't say anything. Make him wait. If he asks what happened, say, "What was your question?" ...Continue Reading

Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.  Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.  He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!" ...Continue Reading

I broke a mirror the other day that's 7 years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me 5. ...Continue Reading

Many people are surprised when they hear how large the IRS headcount actually is. If you laid all IRS employees end to end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there. ...Continue Reading

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?"  Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and aggitated pig. "What the heck are you planning to do with that?" he asks.  "I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."  "Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"  "Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price o ...Continue Reading

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.  "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."  So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband "playing pattycake" with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. &nb ...Continue Reading

Q: What is Joe Biden's IQ?A: He doesn't have one. ...Continue Reading