As he's talking, make a straining sound.  Then apologize and say you just took the mother of all dumps and "I missed what you said. Can you repeat it?" About halfway through his pitch, do this again. ...Continue Reading

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.  Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"  "No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"  "Listen," his friend sugg ...Continue Reading

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? Answer: Guardians of the Galaxy. ...Continue Reading

IRS:LiarsThievesCriminals ...Continue Reading

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.  "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even wh ...Continue Reading

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.  After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"  After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." ...Continue Reading

Q: What kind of moron is Joe Biden?A: An especially stupid one. ...Continue Reading

Tell him, "My brother works for the IRS and is looking for someone to make an example out of. What did you say your name is again?" ...Continue Reading

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said "Are you crazy? You're almost 84 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a ...Continue Reading

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic. ...Continue Reading