A friend underwent GI surgery, which left her with a bad gas problem that the surgeon said would resolve once her biota re-established itself. But in the meantime, she was suffering from massive releases of loud farts. I suggested a way for her to reduce the embarrassment. "Just pretend to answer your phone," I said. "But before you bring it to your ear, say that's the ringtone you use for when your husband calls." ...Continue Reading

Telescammers often ask for you by name. "Hello, Jeff?" Say, "I'll get him. Hold on a moment." Scream JEFF really loud into the phone. Wait 10 seconds and say, "Here he comes". Wait another 10 seconds. Then, changing your voice, "This is Bruce. What can I do for you?" If he asks for Jeff, repeat the whole charade. If he goes into his sales pitch, wait until he's done. Then say, "Oh, I think you wanted Jeff." Repeat the whole charade. ...Continue Reading

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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. ...Continue Reading

IRS: Ruining Hundreds Of Lives Daily ...Continue Reading

I went to the Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I had a nice room in a hotel just off Bourbon Street. I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 AM the first night there. As I was cruising down Bourbon Street, I saw a skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above me. "Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to me. Looking up, I replied, "Well, at my age sex is a chore, but I could use the money." ...Continue Reading

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Y ...Continue Reading

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'" The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?" The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now." The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand." He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard. ...Continue Reading

Tell him you had 43 bowel movements yesterday and ask if he thinks that is some kind of record. Then no matter what he says, keep talking about bowel movements. ...Continue Reading

Jenny Talia Herb Pease Ana Lingus ...Continue Reading