'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!  I've busted my ass for damn near a year,Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.  Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.And just when I thought that things would get ...Continue Reading

Thanks to Mike for this one. Q: What do the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while Santa and the boys are gone?A: They go into town and blow a few bucks. ...Continue Reading

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"  The clerk says, "What denomination?"  The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptist." ...Continue Reading

https://twitter.com/TheBabylonBee/status/1734979549186621706 ...Continue Reading

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple ...Continue Reading

 "Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it."- Richard Lamm Mr. Lamm is an idiot. It's not "adults" spending us into a $220 trillion hole. We are lucky if we get half a penny back out of each federal tax dollar. It's the corporations that have members of CONgress on their payroll.  Fight organized crime: Don't re-elect Democrats to public office. ...Continue Reading

http://www.flixxy.com/best-christmas-lights-display.htmAnd another:https://youtu.be/hbgNhvaBQGs ...Continue Reading

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.  WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."  ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Norm ...Continue Reading

1. A comfortable outfit. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and "mold" imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man! OK, maybe a G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have ...Continue Reading

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune ...Continue Reading