A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.  After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's no ...Continue Reading

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain so, the king and the queen went fishing. On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.  The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace.  In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm." The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an educated and experienced professional.  Besides, I pay him ver ...Continue Reading

Just when you thought the socialism, corruption, and incompetence we endured through 8 years of Mike and Barry "Obama" were behind us and America was becoming great again, we got saddled with Brainless Biden.  Now here we are nearly four years later, and the Biden Crime Family makes Mr. and Mr. "Obama" look downright patriotic by comparison. ...Continue Reading

After the telescammer delivers his pitch, say, "I can tell you really need to use the commode. Go do that now, and don't get any on ya." ...Continue Reading

Pearl SwineMark DownJosie Dosey ...Continue Reading

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!" ...Continue Reading

The phrase "Christmas gift" is an oxymoron. A gift, by definition, is something you give to another person without being compensated. At Christmas, people "give" so-called "gifts" while expecting something of similar value in return.  The whole process defies logic. People send you crap you don't want, and you go spend 2 hours in line at a store standing behind people who are cutting turkey farts, just so you can get a refund. And the other person is doing the same. Why not just send e ...Continue Reading

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.  The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.  When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).  I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said: "No thank you, please." &nb ...Continue Reading

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.&n ...Continue Reading

I sold derivatives to entire nations, bankrupting them. I made $273 million on the Iceland one. Then I foreclosed on Santa's workshop, laid off the elves, had the reindeer slaughtered and made into sausage, and collected a commission of $29.6 million. I also hocked the presents they were storing up, so some additional pocket change there. After that, I changed my business organization to collect $35 billion in federal TARP money. I robbed a blind man of his pencils so I could fill out the bailout form. I'll be spending ...Continue Reading