Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?" "I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm......, five?" ...Continue Reading

Partway into the "conversation" ask him who it is he was calling. If he says your name, apologize and say that you are [make up a name similar to yours]. Let him stammer out something, then hang up. ...Continue Reading

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. ...Continue Reading

At the IRS We Believe You are Guilty After Proven Innocent ...Continue Reading

Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." His lawyer replies, "That picture she found is of you and your mistress."  ...Continue Reading

One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth. When he returned, the angel told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion." So, God called another angel, and sent him to Earth too. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline;  9 ...Continue Reading

Ask him for his telemarketer license number. When he says he doesn't have one, ask why he's telemarketing without a license and tell him it's a felony. Then hang up. He'll probably be stupid enough to ask his boss about it. ...Continue Reading

When chemists die, they barium. ...Continue Reading

IRS: Permanent Debilitation Of The Perfectly Innocent ...Continue Reading

Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. "Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don’t haff a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just ...Continue Reading