1. A comfortable outfit. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and "mold" imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man! OK, maybe a G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have ...Continue Reading

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune ...Continue Reading

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York three days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. We have both decided that forty-five years of misery is enough." Shocked, the son screams, "Pop, what are you talking about?"  To which the father answers with, “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.&quo ...Continue Reading

Security tip: Don't put Christmas gift boxes out on the curb. IRS goons drive around looking for targets to loot, don't give them a reason to put you on the list of people to rob and terrorize. ...Continue Reading

An IRS Collections Dept Manager was holding a meeting with his dept. IRS Dept Manager: "Folks, we get very aggressive with collections starting every December first. I want to see results." Employee: "But I've got this huge list of people to levy on, and I'm finding so far that most of them don't actually owe any back taxes." IRS Dept Manager: "It doesn't matter. Clean out their bank accounts, levy their wages, and seize their retirement funds anyhow. We can sort it out later. Wha ...Continue Reading

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are Amnesia: I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores andOffice and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disor ...Continue Reading

What if Santa answered his mail honestly? Dear Santa I wud lik a kool toy spase ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy allyeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. Howabout I send you a frigging book called a dictionary, so you can learn to readand write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE canspell! Santa------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing ...Continue Reading

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.  Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.  Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflectio ...Continue Reading

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: * Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly * We three kings of porridge and tar * On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me * Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.* With the jelly toast proclaim * Olive, the other reindeer.* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say * Sleep in heavenly peas * In the meadow we can build ...Continue Reading

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.  As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.  What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.  One year I decided to make his dream come true ...Continue Reading