Tell him you had 43 bowel movements yesterday and ask if he thinks that is some kind of record. Then no matter what he says, keep talking about bowel movements. ...Continue Reading

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? ...Continue Reading

IRS: An Agency of Idiots ...Continue Reading

Every day, my indoor/outdoor cat was leaving dirt, leaves, and other debris on the floor of the kitchen and living room. I kept dutifully cleaning it up. Feeling exasperated one day, I asked him why he does this. It turns out he's an artist. He wanted to know why I kept destroying his art, after he put so much effort into collecting the right amount of the right kind of dirt and debris into his fur via the "rolling method" taught at his art school, and then painstakingly arranging it into a work of art to bea ...Continue Reading

Session one. When shredding the couch isn't enough. 61 other things you can destroy. Session two. Advanced techniques for loading your fur with more dirt to bring into the house Session three. Best ways to haul birds inside through your cat door (not applicable to deer) Session four. How to mess on the carpet and make it look like the dog did it Session five. How to use the "innocent look" to get by with almost anything Session six. Ten easy tricks for charming your way into being Master of the Hou ...Continue Reading

Interject with, "I'm just curious how many people sue your company each year. I'll bet it’s a lot." ...Continue Reading

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. ...Continue Reading

IRS: We "Service" People ...Continue Reading

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do somethin ...Continue Reading

Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!&quo ...Continue Reading