A friend underwent GI surgery, which left her with a bad gas problem that the surgeon said would resolve once her biota re-established itself. But in the meantime, she was suffering from massive releases of loud farts. I suggested a way for her to reduce the embarrassment. "Just pretend to answer your phone," I said. "But before you bring it to your ear, say that's the ringtone you use for when your husband calls." ...Continue Reading

Telescammers often ask for you by name. "Hello, Jeff?" Say, "I'll get him. Hold on a moment." Scream JEFF really loud into the phone. Wait 10 seconds and say, "Here he comes". Wait another 10 seconds. Then, changing your voice, "This is Bruce. What can I do for you?" If he asks for Jeff, repeat the whole charade. If he goes into his sales pitch, wait until he's done. Then say, "Oh, I think you wanted Jeff." Repeat the whole charade. ...Continue Reading

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. ...Continue Reading

IRS: Ruining Hundreds Of Lives Daily ...Continue Reading

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Y ...Continue Reading

Tell him you had 43 bowel movements yesterday and ask if he thinks that is some kind of record. Then no matter what he says, keep talking about bowel movements. ...Continue Reading

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? ...Continue Reading

IRS: An Agency of Idiots ...Continue Reading

Every day, my indoor/outdoor cat was leaving dirt, leaves, and other debris on the floor of the kitchen and living room. I kept dutifully cleaning it up. Feeling exasperated one day, I asked him why he does this. It turns out he's an artist. He wanted to know why I kept destroying his art, after he put so much effort into collecting the right amount of the right kind of dirt and debris into his fur via the "rolling method" taught at his art school, and then painstakingly arranging it into a work of art to bea ...Continue Reading

Session one. When shredding the couch isn't enough. 61 other things you can destroy. Session two. Advanced techniques for loading your fur with more dirt to bring into the house Session three. Best ways to haul birds inside through your cat door (not applicable to deer) Session four. How to mess on the carpet and make it look like the dog did it Session five. How to use the "innocent look" to get by with almost anything Session six. Ten easy tricks for charming your way into being Master of the Hou ...Continue Reading