Every time he asks a question, ask, "Is that your dog barking?" and "Did you hear that?" ...Continue Reading

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful. ...Continue Reading

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.  Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.  As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.  "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.  "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone w ...Continue Reading

I was helping a buddy of mine, who was an orthopedic surgeon, move to his new office, and using my car to help transport some of his office equipment.  I had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into the back seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat...  At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to a doctor's office."  The other driver leaned out of his w ...Continue Reading

I want to be a bear......  If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.  Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.  If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.  If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If you ...Continue Reading

Practice your Bangalore accent so you can answer the telemarker in the same incomprehensible way he speaks to you. Or use a fake Scandinavian accent to converse with the telemarketer (see the movie Fargo for examples). ...Continue Reading

What happens if you scream at an electrician, "Eat my shorts!"? ...Continue Reading

IRS:IncompetentRetardedStupid ...Continue Reading

After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid.  The audiologist confirmed it. "How much do they cost?" he asked her.   "As you might expect," she said, "There's quite a wide range. They run from $2.00 to $2,000."  "Wow, the low end is lower than I would have ever guessed!" he said. "Let's see the $2.00 model."  The woman gave a knowing nod, and pulled it out of the closest drawer. "You just s ...Continue Reading

A devout church-going woman named Anna hangs around after mass one day to talk to the priest. When he steps out of the church, she says to him, "Heaven help me, Father, I have a problem." "What is your problem, my child?" the priest asks. "Well," Anna begins, "I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, and they say it over and over again." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They say, 'Hi, we're easy. Want to have s ...Continue Reading