As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If ...Continue Reading

(A carryover from when Nutcase Nancy was Speaker) I sold derivatives to entire nations, bankrupting them. I made $273 million on the Iceland one. Then I foreclosed on Santa's workshop, laid off the elves, had the reindeer slaughtered and made into sausage, and collected a commission of $29.6 million. I also hocked the presents they were storing up, so some additional pocket change there. After that, I changed my business organization to collect $35 billion in federal TARP money. I robbed a blind man of his pencils so ...Continue Reading

Or, "How to get into that nursing home much earlier by wrecking your body through insane holiday behavior" 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink ...Continue Reading

Here's some scientific news regarding reindeer: According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer. However, each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter--usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've ...Continue Reading

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! "Too late for ...Continue Reading

What would have happened if it had been 3 wise women instead of three wise men? They would have: - asked for directions; - arrived on time; - help deliver the baby; - cleaned the stable; - brought practical gifts; and - made a casserole. BUT WHAT WOULD THEY HAVE SAID AFTER THEY LEFT? - Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown? - Did you see the DRUMMER BOY? He can beat my drum anytime. - And that donkey they're ridding has seen better days - I hear that Joseph isn't even working right n ...Continue Reading

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, and was unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs to where his wife was. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said. "You made a complete fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his f ...Continue Reading

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was miffed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!  I've busted my butt for nearly a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady gripes cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.  Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things w ...Continue Reading

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"  The clerk says, "What denomination?"  The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptist." ...Continue Reading

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple ...Continue Reading