The Vegetable in Chief is now infamous for simply wandering off. He has no clue where he is, where he's been, or where he's going. But the rest of us know where he's taken us. Cue in Cher, "If I could turn back time…." ...Continue Reading

In a comforting voice say, "I'm not one of those people who insults scum like you for trying to rip off other people over the phone. Just so you know." ...Continue Reading

Tim BurrJacques IccheJack Aughff ...Continue Reading

My son was chewing on wires, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly. ...Continue Reading

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But then I repeat  myself. - Mark  Twain   ...Continue Reading

The phrase "Christmas gift" is an oxymoron. A gift, by definition, is something you give to another person without being compensated. At Christmas, people "give" so-called "gifts" while expecting something of similar value in return.  The whole process defies logic. People send you crap you don't want, and you go spend 2 hours in line at a store standing behind people who are cutting turkey farts, just so you can get a refund. And the other person is doing the same. Why not just send e ...Continue Reading

It might be fun to wait outside a Home Depot entrance and ask 50 incoming customers to name the vegetable that most closely resembles Joe Biden. ...Continue Reading

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.  The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.  When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).  I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said: "No thank you, please." &nb ...Continue Reading

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.&n ...Continue Reading

(A carryover from when Nutcase Nancy was Speaker) I sold derivatives to entire nations, bankrupting them. I made $273 million on the Iceland one. Then I foreclosed on Santa's workshop, laid off the elves, had the reindeer slaughtered and made into sausage, and collected a commission of $29.6 million. I also hocked the presents they were storing up, so some additional pocket change there. After that, I changed my business organization to collect $35 billion in federal TARP money. I robbed a blind man of his pencils ...Continue Reading