"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it."- Richard Lamm Mr. Lamm is an idiot. It's not "adults" spending us into a $220 trillion hole. We are lucky if we get half a penny back out of each federal tax dollar. It's the corporations that have members of CONgress on their payroll.  Fight organized crime: Don't re-elect Democrats or RINOs to public office. ...Continue Reading

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.  WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."  ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Norm ...Continue Reading

1. A comfortable outfit. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and "mold" imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man! OK, maybe a G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have ...Continue Reading

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune ...Continue Reading

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York three days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. We have both decided that forty-five years of misery is enough." Shocked, the son screams, "Pop, what are you talking about?"  To which the father answers with, “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.&quo ...Continue Reading

Security tip: Don't put Christmas gift boxes out on the curb. IRS goons drive around looking for targets to loot, don't give them a reason to put you on the list of people to rob and terrorize. ...Continue Reading

An IRS Collections Dept Manager was holding a meeting with his dept. IRS Dept Manager: "Folks, we get very aggressive with collections starting every December first. I want to see results." Employee: "But I've got this huge list of people to levy on, and I'm finding so far that most of them don't actually owe any back taxes." IRS Dept Manager: "It doesn't matter. Clean out their bank accounts, levy their wages, and seize their retirement funds anyhow. We can sort it out later. Wha ...Continue Reading

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are Amnesia: I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores andOffice and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disor ...Continue Reading

What if Santa answered his mail honestly? Dear Santa I wud lik a kool toy spase ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy allyeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. Howabout I send you a frigging book called a dictionary, so you can learn to readand write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE canspell! Santa------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing ...Continue Reading