After he makes his opening statement, which likely includes slurring his name, say, "Wow! A real telemarketer! I have been waiting for my whole life to get a telemarketing call! Wait, I have to go tell my wife!" Then set the phone down and don't pick it up again until the call has ended. ...Continue Reading

The angry clone was beside himself. ...Continue Reading

IRS:ImmoralRetardsServing no purpose ...Continue Reading

Felix was playing golf with the town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."  The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.  "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"  "Well," ...Continue Reading

Jimmy Piersall, on how to diaper a baby:  "Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond, with you at bat.  Then, fold second-base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound.  Put first-base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.  Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call-the-game and start all over again." ...Continue Reading

Repeat back something he said, but deliberately get it wrong. For example during his monologue he says the payments are $99 billed twice monthly. "Let me get this straight. The payments are only $2 a month. And the first nine payments are made to me?" Keep doing this until he hangs up. ...Continue Reading

Ben DoverDixie NormousJack Goff ...Continue Reading

Until recently, I thought the T in LGBT stood for thespian. ...Continue Reading

I used to wonder why the IRS doesn't have a Department of Sleaze, Crime, and General Misconduct. Then it hit me: these things are standard general practice with them. A separate department doesn't make sense. ...Continue Reading

A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer.  The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"  To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."  Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.  The next ...Continue Reading