Q: How much do a pirate's earrings cost? A: They're a buccaneer. ...Continue Reading

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?" "Whom do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies. "I guess not", says the wife. The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the s ...Continue Reading

Communism doesn't work, no matter what your liberal teacher tells you. It's a system that relies on stealing from people instead of rewarding them for their contributions. But you can try it at home. You do all the chores and your sister will get paid instead of you. And you're the one who gets punished if she doesn't do her homework. ...Continue Reading

Often, telescammers introduce themselves by their first name only and use a shortened version of their company name, as if you are old friends and should know who they are. When you get such a call say, "Yeah, Bob, I remember you. You're the guy who had explosive diarrhea at the class reunion. Are you still being investigated for RICO violations?" Then hang up. ...Continue Reading

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. ...Continue Reading

Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now. ...Continue Reading

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could. ...Continue Reading

Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston. ...Continue Reading

Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. ...Continue Reading

Tell the scammer, "I work in telemarketing, too. My whole family hates me. So how's it going for you?" ...Continue Reading