At the IRS We Believe You are Guilty After Proven Innocent ...Continue Reading

Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." His lawyer replies, "That picture she found is of you and your mistress."  ...Continue Reading

One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth. When he returned, the angel told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion." So, God called another angel, and sent him to Earth too. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline;  9 ...Continue Reading

Ask him for his telemarketer license number. When he says he doesn't have one, ask why he's telemarketing without a license and tell him it's a felony. Then hang up. He'll probably be stupid enough to ask his boss about it. ...Continue Reading

When chemists die, they barium. ...Continue Reading

IRS: Permanent Debilitation Of The Perfectly Innocent ...Continue Reading

Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. "Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don’t haff a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just ...Continue Reading

A friend underwent GI surgery, which left her with a bad gas problem that the surgeon said would resolve once her biota re-established itself. But in the meantime, she was suffering from massive releases of loud farts. I suggested a way for her to reduce the embarrassment. "Just pretend to answer your phone," I said. "But before you bring it to your ear, say that's the ringtone you use for when your husband calls." ...Continue Reading

Telescammers often ask for you by name. "Hello, Jeff?" Say, "I'll get him. Hold on a moment." Scream JEFF really loud into the phone. Wait 10 seconds and say, "Here he comes". Wait another 10 seconds. Then, changing your voice, "This is Bruce. What can I do for you?" If he asks for Jeff, repeat the whole charade. If he goes into his sales pitch, wait until he's done. Then say, "Oh, I think you wanted Jeff." Repeat the whole charade. ...Continue Reading

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. ...Continue Reading