Interrupt and ask him his name again. Whatever he says, call him something else and make some comment about the weather. ...Continue Reading

Her Diary Entry:My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and ...Continue Reading

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. ...Continue Reading

IRS:Where Harming theInnocentIs An Art Form ...Continue Reading

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.  Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.  Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.  Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few ...Continue Reading

An old couple was lying in bed one night...  The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.  A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.  Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to nibble ...Continue Reading

Q: How can you tell when Joe Biden is dazed and confused?A: Check for a pulse. ...Continue Reading

Every time he asks a question, answer with, "Something very interesing happened today. Let me tell you about it." Then don't say anything. Make him wait. If he asks what happened, say, "What was your question?" ...Continue Reading

Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.  Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.  He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!" ...Continue Reading

I broke a mirror the other day that's 7 years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me 5. ...Continue Reading