Q: What kind of moron is Joe Biden?A: An especially stupid one. ...Continue Reading

Tell him, "My brother works for the IRS and is looking for someone to make an example out of. What did you say your name is again?" ...Continue Reading

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said "Are you crazy? You're almost 84 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a ...Continue Reading

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic. ...Continue Reading

An IRS employee, not content to conduct scams from his office, was out shoplifting in an exclusive jewelry store. But the shopkeeper caught him red-handed trying to steal a watch.  Not wanting his bosses to discover he was freelancing in crime, the IRS employee made an offer. "Listen, I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager, not knowing he had a terrorist on the hook and just seeing an opportunity to make a sale, agreed an ...Continue Reading

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.  As we left t ...Continue Reading

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica  - where do they go?                                    Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.   The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, &nb ...Continue Reading

He says it's working. Yep, 100% inflation while on his watch (each dollar now worth 50 cents because twice as many dollars because insane level of spending on stupid stuff). ...Continue Reading

When he gets done with his pitch and asks you the "call to action" question, say, "I can tell what happened to you, and I'm really sorry that it did. Nobody should be abducted by aliens and subjected to anal probes the way you were. But at least you got to see the inside of a UFO." Then hang up. ...Continue Reading

An old couple comes up before the judge in a divorce proceeding. Seeing how absolutely ancient they are, the judge just has to ask their ages."Well, your honor," the old man says, "I'm 99 and my wife here is 97.""Wow," the judge says. "How long have you been married?""I married Pearl three days after she turned sixteen, so that would be a little over 81 years.""Eighty-one years?!" the judge said, incredulous."Eighty-one years of pure torture," the old ...Continue Reading