How do IRS employees celebrate Christmas? By counting the number of people they've made homeless. ...Continue Reading

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it.  Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Su ...Continue Reading

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter said, "In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."  The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "It represents a candle."  Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."  The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them ...Continue Reading

Why did Santa put bells on all his reindeer? Because their horns don't work. What's red and white and black all over? Santa Clause entering through a chimney (he does that because it soots him--maybe he should get a flue shot). If Santa falls down a chimney, does that make him a Santa Klutz? ...Continue Reading

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?In the lane, snow is glistenin'.It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight,Marking up my winter wonderland.  Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.It's a sign for wandering vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!Marked up as my winter wonderland."  In the meadow dad will build a snowman,following the classical design.Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!  Straight from me to the fence post,flows ...Continue Reading

Based on a true story….  Dear Abby, Back in February, we came under IRS assault for taxes we don't even owe. We've got proof we paid our taxes, but they've ignored all this. Both my husband and I lost our jobs due to the harassment. We've got liens and levies and it's a real struggle. A friend got my husband a job as a stripper at a gay night club. My husband does not like gay people, but took the job because we are desperate. He's really miserable. Is there anything special I can do for him thi ...Continue Reading

I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top. I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?" Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree." ...Continue Reading

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer, from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent. Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will sleep only on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this ...Continue Reading

Q: What is one thing almost nobody is thankful for?A: Waiting in line after Thanksgiving and smelling other people's turkey farts. On the other hand, if you are sadistic enough you wait for this time all year long. Then you get next to the longest, slowest line you can find and release a string of "silent but deadly" farts and walk off. ...Continue Reading

The American Society of Optimists still clings to the idea that somebody somewhere will find evidence of something intelligent that Joe Biden said or did. Recently, a large group of members quit the society over this issue. Their spokesman said there's a difference between optimism and delusion. ...Continue Reading