Security tip: Don't put Christmas gift boxes out on the curb. IRS goons drive around looking for targets to loot, don't give them a reason to put you on the list of people to rob and terrorize. ...Continue Reading

An IRS Collections Dept Manager was holding a meeting with his dept. IRS Dept Manager: "Folks, we get very aggressive with collections starting every December first. I want to see results." Employee: "But I've got this huge list of people to levy on, and I'm finding so far that most of them don't actually owe any back taxes." IRS Dept Manager: "It doesn't matter. Clean out their bank accounts, levy their wages, and seize their retirement funds anyhow. We can sort it out later. Wha ...Continue Reading

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are Amnesia: I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores andOffice and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disor ...Continue Reading

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.  Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.  Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflectio ...Continue Reading

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: * Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly * We three kings of porridge and tar * On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me * Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.* With the jelly toast proclaim * Olive, the other reindeer.* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say * Sleep in heavenly peas * In the meadow we can build ...Continue Reading

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.  As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.  What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.  One year I decided to make his dream come true ...Continue Reading

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3fgRV5N_qQ ...Continue Reading

How do IRS employees celebrate Christmas? By counting the number of people they've made homeless. ...Continue Reading

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it.  Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Su ...Continue Reading

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter said, "In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."  The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "It represents a candle."  Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."  The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them ...Continue Reading