Tell the telescammer, "The IRS is tapping my phone, because they are trying to find out where my money comes and goes. So, let's do some business. But first say your social security number so IRS will have that information in the recording." ...Continue Reading

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. ...Continue Reading

A couple has their first child, and the baby never cries. By age three, he still has not said a word. Not even Mama. Years go by, in which they take their son to one doctor after another. Nothing works. Then one morning, their nine year old son looks up from his breakfast and says, "My oatmeal's cold." They are amazed and delighted. The father says, "Son, what took you so long to speak to us?" The kid looks at each of them, then says, "Until now, everything was fine." ...Continue Reading

Man: Give me 3 boxes of those condoms, please. Clerk: Would you like a bag with that? Man: Nah, she aint THAT ugly. ...Continue Reading

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man ...Continue Reading

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said: "No thank you, please." As I d ...Continue Reading

The phrase "Christmas gift" is an oxymoron. A gift, by definition, is something you give to another person without being compensated. At Christmas, people "give" so-called "gifts" while expecting something of similar value in return. The whole process defies logic. People send you crap you don't want, and you go spend 2 hours in line at a store standing behind people who are cutting turkey farts, just so you can get a refund. And the other person is doing the same. Why not just send each ...Continue Reading

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If ...Continue Reading

(A carryover from when Nutcase Nancy was Speaker) I sold derivatives to entire nations, bankrupting them. I made $273 million on the Iceland one. Then I foreclosed on Santa's workshop, laid off the elves, had the reindeer slaughtered and made into sausage, and collected a commission of $29.6 million. I also hocked the presents they were storing up, so some additional pocket change there. After that, I changed my business organization to collect $35 billion in federal TARP money. I robbed a blind man of his pencils so ...Continue Reading

Or, "How to get into that nursing home much earlier by wrecking your body through insane holiday behavior" 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink ...Continue Reading