Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!&quo ...Continue Reading

Early on the second day of her ski trip, Emma fell and broke her leg. As they were putting a cast on her leg later that day, she asked the doctor, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" The doctor replied, "This is your last day of skiing." ...Continue Reading

Ask, "So what was it like, getting electroshock therapy? Do you have burn marks at your temples?" ...Continue Reading

Gore Reese Dirk Baggs Bo Jobs ...Continue Reading

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. ...Continue Reading

IRS: Jobs Available For Idiots With No Morals ...Continue Reading

A man spoke at his wife's funeral. "We had 35 happy years together." After a pause, he said, "That's not too bad out of the 52 years we were married." ...Continue Reading

I was filling balloons with helium at the County Fair, when a cranky old man came up and asked how much they were. I said, "A quarter each." He snarled, "They used to be five cents." My buddy, standing next to me, said, "That's inflation." ...Continue Reading

Somehow, Dave had managed to hold his job for many years despite being condescending, disdainful, and annoying to his coworkers. It was probably the low pay, as people came and went. One day, we had yet another "new guy" and on his first day he told Dave, "I'd appreciate if you would stay away from me." A few minutes later, Dave walked into the coffee room while I was getting a refill. He asked, "Why does every new guy take an instant disliking to me?" Without missing a beat, I said, " ...Continue Reading

Say, "When the phone rang, I had just taken my biggest dump ever. Hold for a moment while I take a picture." Pause for a couple of seconds, then yell, "It's moving! It's coming after me!" Then scream as if you're being attacked. "It's killing me! You did something to it over the phone! Murderer!" Then hang up ...Continue Reading