What if Santa answered his mail honestly?

Dear Santa I wud lik a kool toy spase ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all

yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How

about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary, so you can learn to read

and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can

spell! Santa

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Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is

peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

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Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

Mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid

mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get

you some nice Legos instead. Santa

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Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a

Drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa

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Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots

for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face

when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of

scotch. Santa

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Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making

toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I

spend Most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking

myself silly and squeezing the a**es of cocktail waitresses while losing money

at the craps table....Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

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Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

skipping your house. Santa

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Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please

PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't

work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

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Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our

house? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass

whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent

apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,

through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa